How to Help My Partner Bond with Our Baby
What New Moms Need to Know About the Mental Load and Social Conditioning
Unpacking the mental load, socialization, and the disorientation mothers feel when their partners struggle to bond with the baby.
First and foremost - this blog is NOT clinical advice nor is it intended to minimize PMADS or maternal mental health. In fact, it is to strengthen this conversation, expand it and bring more attention to it, from all disciplines and providers who work with Mothers.
Psst: Did you know this BLOG title is my most popular viewed?! Says something, doesn’t it? You are NOT alone and we can re-imagine this experience for both you and Dad…keep reading!
One of the more difficult and often unspoken experiences for many new mothers is the growing awareness that their partner is not stepping into parenthood in the way they had imagined.
Not only is the mother recovering physically and emotionally, navigating an identity shift, and tending to the relentless needs of a newborn but she is often also quietly grappling with disappointment and confusion at her partner’s apparent disconnection from the caregiving role.
She may not articulate it at first. But internally, the question begins to surface:
“Why doesn’t he just get it?”
Why does he seem so unsure?
Why doesn’t he intuitively know how to soothe or connect?
Why is the bulk of the caregiving, practically and emotionally, falling on me?
For many mothers, this moment is disheartening.
It can feel isolating.
And it is often a profoundly disorienting realization.
The Invisible Assumption: That He’d Be Like Me
What’s rarely named in mainstream conversations is that many mothers expected their partners would take to caregiving in a similar way to how they have. Not identical, but at least invested. Eager. (After all, they were SO excited!)
And when that doesn’t happen…when the partner hesitates, holds the baby awkwardly, avoids routine care tasks, or says “just tell me what to do”…the mother is left not only with the practical weight of caregiving, but also with the emotional weight of interpreting why this is happening.
It often leads to questions like:
“Why am I the one Googling how to help my partner bond with our baby?”
“Why does he seem so uncomfortable doing what now feels second nature to me?”
“Am I supposed to figure this out for both of us?”
The Answer: Socialization and the Mental Load
To begin to understand this dynamic, we must start with the cultural conditioning that shapes how boys and girls are socialized from early childhood.
Most mothers did not arrive at their caregiving instinct by chance. From a young age, many women were encouraged, explicitly and implicitly, to be nurturing, emotionally attuned, and responsible for others. They were praised for being “good helpers,” reinforced for being selfless, and socially rewarded for anticipating the needs of others. These experiences, repeated over time, formed the foundation for what would later become a sense of confidence in caregiving.
Fathers, on the other hand, were rarely socialized into care in the same way.
They were more often encouraged to be independent, task-oriented, emotionally reserved, and performance-driven. In most cases, they were not expected to anticipate others’ needs, manage invisible labor, or engage in sustained acts of emotional care.
This disparity in socialization doesn’t necessarily reflect individual beliefs or willingness; it reflects systemic patterns. But the impact is personal.
So when a baby arrives, and the mother seems to “step into” care while the father seems unsure or peripheral, it’s not about instinct. It’s about preparation. One was trained; the other wasn’t.
This is where the mental load becomes especially visible.
Not only is the mother responsible for recovering from birth and managing the newborn’s immediate needs, but she also begins to carry the cognitive labor of managing her partner’s involvement…thinking about how he might bond, when to include him, what to suggest, and how to frame it in a way that doesn’t provoke shame or defensiveness.
It’s not uncommon for mothers to find themselves wondering how to guide their partner into connection while resenting that this is necessary at all.
Why This Disorientation Matters
This realization that a mother is not only managing her own transformation but often also facilitating her partner’s is more than frustrating. It can shake the foundation of what she thought parenting together would feel like.
Many mothers internalize their partner’s disconnection as a reflection of their own inadequacy: “Maybe I’m being too controlling.” “Maybe I’m not giving him enough space.” Or worse: “Maybe I’m failing at holding us all together.”
But the reality is this:
The system set her up to carry more. Not because she is better suited, but because she was conditioned to. And he was not.
This is not about blame. It is about clarity.
And clarity can be a powerful catalyst for change.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
We start by naming what is often left unsaid:
That bonding with a baby is not always intuitive, particularly for those who were not socialized into care.
That attachment is not instantaneous; it is developed through consistency, closeness, and intentional engagement.
That caregiving is not gendered but the way we’re conditioned to engage with it is.
And that the mental load of managing a household, a baby, and a partner’s parenting arc is unsustainable.
Supporting fathers in bonding with their baby is not about mothers doing more. It is about recognizing that we are asking men to step into a domain they were historically excluded from and doing so requires unlearning, relearning, and a shared commitment to redefine what it means to be a father.
For Partners and Fathers: A Note on Patrescence
The concept of patrescence, the transition into fatherhood, remains largely under-discussed. Just like matrescence, it involves identity shifts, emotional upheaval, grief, and growth.
Fathers need space to process this shift. But they also need to be held accountable for stepping into the role of caregiver…not just as a helper, but as an equal participant in the emotional, cognitive, and physical labor of parenting.
That includes:
Taking full ownership of routines (not waiting to be delegated to)
Initiating moments of care and connection (even if they feel awkward at first)
Tolerating the discomfort of not being perfect
And recognizing that bonding with a baby isn’t a “maternal” gift…it’s a human one.
The CARE and HOLD Model is here to help guide you in this…remember, you aren’t alone.
To the Mother Reading This
If you feel disappointed, confused, or like you’re holding more than you ever expected…you are not imagining it.
If you’re grieving the loss of the equal partnership you envisioned…you are not alone.
This dynamic isn’t happening because you failed to communicate something or didn’t give your partner enough opportunities. It is happening because we live in a culture that prepares women to care and excuses men from it…until now.
The invitation is not for you to carry more. It’s for all of us, mothers, fathers, and the systems that shape us, to reimagine care as a shared responsibility, not a default assignment.
A Final Thought
You shouldn’t have to Google, “How can I help my partner bond with our baby?”
But if you did, and you’re here, then know this:
You’re not failing.
You’re awakening.
And this awakening, while painful, is also part of the path to collective healing.
Let’s name what was never ours to carry.
And let’s begin to write something new. Cue the CARE and HOLD Model…for dismantling the mental load and re-imagining care together.
Ready to Go Deeper?
Download the CARE Model – Start the shift with our free introduction guide to dismantling the mental load and re-imagining care.
Purchase The CARE and HOLD Model for Professionals here. And if you are interested in this model personally, you can purchase the Guide here.
Learn More and Get Involved
Professionally: The Matricentric Way is leading this paradigm shift - it truly is expanding the conversation on maternal mental health. If you are a professional that supports Mothers, I invite you to enroll in The Matricentric Way, either LIVE or self-paced. Join this movement today so that we can transform not only the lives of the individual Mothers we support, but the greater collective of Mothers.
Personally: The Becoming Mama course is available self-paced for any Mother within her first 7 or so years postpartum, interested in learning more about her matrescence AND the impact of Patriarchal Motherhood on her experience of being a Mother. (NOTE: this is NOT a substitute for clinical therapy NOR is it recommended to treat maternal mental health challenges. Consult your therapist for any mental health concerns.)
