The "Good Father" Myth: How Socialized Roles Still Shape Modern Parenthood
The collision of Patriarchal Myths…the “Good Dad” versus “Good Mom”.
First and foremost - this blog is NOT clinical advice nor is it intended to minimize PMADS or maternal mental health. In fact, it is to strengthen this conversation, expand it and bring more attention to it, from all disciplines and providers who work with Mothers.
But “He’s Such a “Good Dad”…”
Even in progressive households, where both partners strive for equity, many mothers find themselves overwhelmed and unseen. Resentment builds not because their partners are unwilling, but because they're often unaware. Why? Because while much has been said about the "Perfect Mother" myth, the "Good Father" myth has quietly evolved - without truly being dismantled.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about socialization.
We’ve all inherited stories about what it means to be a "good parent," and those stories are gendered. Deeply. What follows is a closer look at how the narrative around fatherhood has shifted over time, how it impacts caregiving dynamics today, and why it leaves so many partnerships feeling imbalanced - despite best intentions.
The Original Script: The Traditional "Good Father"
Historically, the "Good Father" was defined by his ability to provide, protect, and lead. He was:
The breadwinner
The authority figure
The moral and disciplinary backbone of the family
His role was largely external - centered on work, status, and decision-making. Emotional presence, day-to-day caregiving, and domestic labor were not part of his job description. In many families, these were even seen as emasculating.
The "Modern" Good Dad: Progress with Limits
Today, especially in feminist and progressive households, the role of the father has changed. Fathers are:
Present in delivery rooms
Taking parental leave (when available)
Doing school drop-offs, bedtime routines, and playdates
But here's the catch: The modern "Good Dad" is often still framed as a helper, not a co-owner of the family system.
He may be praised for participating, but rarely expected to lead within the home. He’s celebrated for doing things mothers are simply expected to do, invisibly and without praise.
Meanwhile: The "Good Mother" Script Hasn’t Budged Much
She is still socialized to be selfless. To prioritize the needs of the family over her own. To anticipate, manage, and regulate everything from meals to emotions. To be the calendar, the caregiver, the crisis manager.
Caregiving becomes her identity. And often, that identity is expected to be held quietly, lovingly, and without resentment.
Even when tasks are "split," the emotional weight, mental load, and default responsibility still often land squarely on her shoulders.
When These Scripts Collide
Despite love, commitment, and shared values, modern couples often find themselves on uneven ground because they're playing by different rules:
He sees parenting as something he adds into his existing self.
She experiences motherhood as something that replaces who she was.
He feels he's doing more than his dad ever did.
She feels she’s doing more than anyone sees.
He believes things are fairly split.
She’s exhausted, overstimulated, and drowning in invisible labor.
This mismatch isn’t a failure of character. It’s a result of cultural conditioning.
Identity Gaps and Emotional Disparities
One of the most under-discussed issues in parenting partnerships is the identity gap:
Mothers are socialized to lose themselves in motherhood and feel guilty for wanting anything outside it.
Fathers are often encouraged to remain fully themselves, with fatherhood as a complement, not a transformation.
The result? Emotional labor gets gendered, and caregiving never truly becomes shared - even if the diaper changes and school runs are.
Moving Beyond the "Mental Load"
Let’s be honest: the term mental load has started to backfire. It can feel accusatory, overused, or hard to define. More importantly, it often keeps the conversation stuck in the personal - framing the issue as a matter of who is doing more, rather than exposing how both partners were shaped by unequal socialization. When we stay in that personal frame, finger-pointing follows. But when we reframe it, we can move toward mutual collaboration - because 9 times out of 10, that’s what both people deeply want.
So what if we reframed it?
1. From "Mental Load" to "System Awareness"
Why it works: This repositions the conversation from who does what to how the system was set up in the first place. It invites both partners to become curious about the cultural default settings that shaped them. Instead of focusing on who’s doing more, we ask: who sees the system? Who manages the moving parts?
"We’ve both been socialized into a system where one partner often becomes the emotional and logistical hub - by default, not design."
2. From Personal Responsibility to Mismatched Scripts
Why it works: Most partners aren’t refusing to show up - they’re working from a different instruction manual. This metaphor makes the mismatch less personal and more about inherited frameworks.
"It’s not that one of you is doing more - it’s that you’re each working from different inherited scripts about what parenting means."
3. From Deficit Thinking to Language Gaps
Why it works: This reinforces that the issue isn’t who cares more, but who was trained for what.
"Mothers were socialized to become fluent in the language of care. Fathers often weren’t taught that language at all."
4. From Blame to Shared Curiosity
Why it works: This humanizes fathers' experiences and prevents them from feeling “othered” or vilified.
"If you're feeling like no matter how much you do, it’s not enough - that’s not because you're failing. It's because you were never taught to see the full picture."
5. From Load to Leadership
Why it works: Instead of focusing on a burdensome load, invite the idea of shared leadership within the family ecosystem.
"What would it look like for both of you to be co-leaders of the household - not just sharing tasks, but sharing awareness, emotional tracking, and future planning?"
So What Do We Do?
We start by naming it:
These roles are learned, not natural.
Socialization isn't destiny - but it is powerful.
We stop measuring fairness only by visible tasks and start asking better questions:
Who's anticipating needs?
Who's carrying the emotional weight?
Who feels like the default parent when things fall apart?
We move from "helping" to co-owning. We stop romanticizing presence and start building partnerships. We make invisible labor visible, so it can be redistributed.
And we do it together.
Because this isn’t about blaming men or martyring women. It’s about unlearning scripts that were never built for thriving families.
We all deserve better than the roles we were handed. Let’s rewrite them - together.
Learn More and Get Involved
Professionally: The Matricentric Way is leading this paradigm shift - it truly is expanding the conversation on maternal mental health. If you are a professional that supports Mothers, I invite you to enroll in The Matricentric Way, either LIVE or self-paced. Join this movement today so that we can transform not only the lives of the individual Mothers we support, but the greater collective of Mothers.
Personally: The Becoming Mama course is available self-paced for any Mother within her first 7 or so years postpartum, interested in learning more about her matrescence AND the impact of Patriarchal Motherhood on her experience of being a Mother. (NOTE: this is NOT a substitute for clinical therapy NOR is it recommended to treat maternal mental health challenges. Consult your therapist for any mental health concerns.)
