Why ‘If He Can Do It at Work, He Can Do It at Home’ Misses the Point About Caregiving and Gender Roles
If he can run a company, can’t he help in the house?
First and foremost - this blog is NOT clinical advice nor is it intended to minimize PMADS or maternal mental health. In fact, it is to strengthen this conversation, expand it and bring more attention to it, from all disciplines and providers who work with Mothers.
We’ve all seen the phrase circulating widely on social media:
“If he can do it at work, he can do it at home.”
On the surface, this seems like a powerful and straightforward call for men to share caregiving responsibilities more equitably. After all, men often bring a wealth of skills from the workplace…planning, anticipating needs, managing tasks, multitasking, and these skills are undeniably essential for caregiving.
Yet, as compelling as this phrase sounds, it oversimplifies a far more complex reality. Caregiving is not simply a matter of skill transfer or competence. It is fundamentally about identity - who we see ourselves to be, what we value, and the socialized roles we embody.
Socialization Shapes Identity, Not Just Skillsets
What this popular refrain often misses is the role of socialization in shaping caregiving behaviors and values. Socialization is the lifelong process through which individuals internalize the norms, roles, and expectations associated with their gender and social position. It teaches us not just what to do, but who we are supposed to be.
For men, socialization overwhelmingly emphasizes production and provision as core sources of identity and worth. Society often presents caregiving and emotional labor as “less than,” optional, or invisible work, especially when performed by women. These tasks are frequently framed as outside the legitimate domain of masculinity.
Meanwhile, women are expected to “naturally” embody caregiving. This expectation is deeply misleading; neuroscience, psychology, and feminist theory converge on the understanding that care is not instinctual but learned. Women learn to care through urgency, repetition, social pressure, and cultural messaging that frames caregiving as their default responsibility.
Why Skills Don’t Automatically Transfer from Work to Home
Even when men have the skills necessary for caregiving, those skills don’t always translate into domestic settings. Why?
To illustrate, consider this metaphor:
Imagine you are very good at baseball. You have the mechanics, training, and ability. But if you don’t love the game…if you don’t value it, find meaning in it, or derive joy from it…you are unlikely to show up for practice. And if you do, it might be begrudging, even resented.
This distinction between being able and being invested is critical. The same holds true for caregiving.
If a man perceives caregiving as external to his sense of self like something beneath him, unmanly, or disconnected from his value system, then performing caregiving tasks becomes an act of compliance, not ownership. This misalignment between action and identity can lead to avoidance, resistance, burnout, and resentment.
Care as Identity: The Key to Shared Responsibility
For caregiving to be genuinely shared and sustainable, it must be internalized. This means:
Caregiving must become part of how a man sees himself.
Not just something he does, but something he is.
Not simply a responsibility or task, but a value and a source of meaning, connection, and purpose.
Care must be integrated into his sense of masculinity, his humanity, and his role in the world.
This transformation goes beyond teaching men how to care; many already know the “how.” Instead, it requires reshaping what care means to them and where it fits in their identity.
Broader Implications Across Caregiving Constellations
While this discussion focuses primarily on cis-heterosexual couples, where traditional gender roles are often most rigid, the implications extend across all caregiving constellations. Culture shapes how all humans are socialized into beliefs about who should care, and why. These dynamics influence the distribution, valuation, and experience of care in families and communities of all kinds.
Toward Equitable Homes and Communities
To build more equitable homes and societies, we must move away from framing care as an innate female capacity and recognize it as a learned, socialized, and essential human responsibility.
Such recognition requires:
Accountability at both individual and systemic levels.
Deep identity-level transformation that redefines masculinity and caregiving roles.
Only by embracing caregiving as part of the human identity, not just as a set of tasks, can we foster partnerships grounded in genuine care, respect, and shared responsibility.
Final Thoughts
The viral phrase “If he can do it at work, he can do it at home” is a useful starting point, but it risks oversimplifying the profound cultural and psychological shifts required for real change.
Care is more than competence. It’s identity.
And until we recognize and address that, the burden of care will remain unevenly distributed and undervalued in our homes and society.
Let’s also be clear: This is not about placing yet another burden on her to educate, motivate, or manage him into caring. That, too, would be a continuation of unequal labor.
But nor is it solely his journey.
She, too, has been socialized into scripts that tell her care is hers alone to carry, that her worth is tied to selflessness, and that asking for help is weakness. Her work is to unlearn those internalized beliefs, just as his is to unlearn the conditioning that told him care was optional, feminized, or beneath him.
This is not about assigning blame. It’s about building awareness. And from that awareness, committing to mutual unlearning.
Care doesn’t become equitable when one partner shifts. It becomes equitable when both partners step out of inherited scripts and rewrite a shared one—together.
Ready to Go Deeper?
Download the CARE Model – Start the shift with our free introduction guide.
Purchase The CARE and HOLD Model for Professionals here. And if you are interested in this model personally, you can purchase the Guide here.
Learn More and Get Involved
Professionally: The Matricentric Way is leading this paradigm shift - it truly is expanding the conversation on maternal mental health. If you are a professional that supports Mothers, I invite you to enroll in The Matricentric Way, either LIVE or self-paced. Join this movement today so that we can transform not only the lives of the individual Mothers we support, but the greater collective of Mothers.
Personally: The Becoming Mama course is available self-paced for any Mother within her first 7 or so years postpartum, interested in learning more about her matrescence AND the impact of Patriarchal Motherhood on her experience of being a Mother. (NOTE: this is NOT a substitute for clinical therapy NOR is it recommended to treat maternal mental health challenges. Consult your therapist for any mental health concerns.)
